Monday, February 22, 2010

Jamaican Jokes Updated

The Rasta Man

There was a Rasta man sunbathing nude on the beach in Hellshire.
He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with
the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked, "A Wha yuh 'ave undah
de newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, "A bird."

The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in Spanish Town Hospital in tremendous pain.
The police asked him what happened.

The Rasta says, "Mi nuh kno. I mon was lying on de beach,den dis likkle
gal asked me a question, ....guess I mon mussah doze off an
next ting I man know is I mon deh ya."

The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her
"What did you do to that naked Rasta?"

After a pause, the girl replied, " me neva do nutten to him? Nutten
at all".
Mi did a play wid him bird an it spit pon me. So, mi bruk di neck,crack
di two egg dem, and set de nest pon fire!"

Wife From Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I
> clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
> The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
> perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
> Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly
> dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
> As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
> wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
> The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar
> detector went off when it did.'
> As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar
> detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over, the man glowers
> at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you
> keep your mouth shut?'
> The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing
> your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
> The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
> it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my
> back pocket.'
> The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
> your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
> And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
> turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
> The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband
> always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
> I love this part........... :
> 'Only when he's been drinking.'

Rastaman Visit

A Rastaman went to visit an old family friend. Rastaman knock pon di door
and smaddy inside seh: " A who dat?"
Rastaman----- " I and I, Jah Rastafari, King of Kings, Lord of Lord,
Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, Son of Haile Selassie I". The person
inside replied: "A me one dey yah, an mi nah open de door fi so much ah oonu".


The Three Jamaican sons.

 Three Jamaican sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give to their elderly mother:

The first son said, "Mi bill a big house wid land an gi mama."

The second son said, "Mi sen har a cris Benz wid a driver"

The third smiled and said, "Mi beat di 2 a unnu. Yuh memba how Mama use to love fi read har Bible? An yuh know seh she cyaan see too good. Mi sen har a Church parrot dat recite di entire Bible. It tek di elders inna di church 15 years fi teach im. Im exclusive man. Mama jus ha-fi name di chapter an di verse, an di parrot wi recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mother sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "A weh duh yuh bwoy, a chupid yuh chupid suh. Di house yuh bill too big. A mi one live inna one room, but mi always ha fi a clean di whole house."

"Winston," she wrote to another, "Yuh a eediat, yuh dun know mi too old fi travel. Mi always inna di yard, suh mi nuh use di Mercedes an di driver im too dyam facey!"

"Dearest Delroy," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense fi know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

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