Can counselling 'fix' my gay husband?
SOME churches swear by their ability to rid you of it; many have testified to the power of the Word and counselling to end it; there was even an App for Apple's iTunes shop promising to cure it.
From gospel singers to pastors to TV stars and ordinary men, the recovery testimonies have been many, enough to prompt an "ex-gay" movement in the States — a movement of former homosexuals who no longer identify with that identity.
The belief in the ability to 'convert' was also enough to propel into popularity Exodus International, the Florida-based Christian group responsible for the iTunes App for software for iPhone, iPad, and iPod devices, that advocates successfully freeing oneself from homosexuality through therapy and religion.
Yet the debate rages: is it biological or is it a choice, and can it really be cured with counselling? And for wives of men caught in this scenario, some of whom were featured in All Woman last week, can they have faith that therapy can help their men make the switch back to heterosexuality?
"Absolutely," psychologist Dr Leahcim Semaj said. "It is possible for someone to change their arousal pattern."
He said homosexuality is a choice, and same-sex attracted persons can contain the arousal pattern if they wish to behave in a particular manner.
"So it can be done if he wants to change," he said. "If he wants to operate in a socially acceptable pattern that his wife will be receptive to, he can do it, if he wants to. But if she tries to do it against his will, it is highly unlikely. Every single day human beings have to make decisions about modifying, adjusting, responding to, containing, or controlling the object of their arousal."
He said it is the same kind of control and containment mechanism that we teach and socialise heterosexual people to.
"...That if you are married and attracted to someone, you have made a vow, you have made a promise, you are involved in a situation that excludes or precludes your involvement with whether man, woman, child or dog. So to me that is the biggest issue. So it's a choice he makes."
Counselling psychologist at WIRED Counselling Centre in Papine, Craig McNally, agreed.
"Nobody is born with same-sex attraction, "McNally told All Woman.
"There is no scientific proof for that. So outside of any biblical reference, our biology proves against homosexuality. We don't even need to get into anything biblical to prove that homosexuality is not natural. So then, if it is not biological or of nature then it is certainly nurtured..."
McNally said there are different reasons persons may be same-sex attracted, and it is different for males and for females.
"Girls for example may develop same-sex attraction — and notice I say develop because it's not that somebody wakes up one morning, looks in the mirror and says, 'Self?' and self says, 'Yes?', and you say, 'You know what self, as of today I am going to be attracted to persons of the same gender'. I have never had a client who says that to me, and I doubt I will ever have a client who says they woke up and chose to be gay," McNally said. "The only choice we have is whether we will act out the behaviour or not. There are many things in our lives that we choose and same-sex attraction is one of those."
McNally said because persons are not born that way, their lifestyle can change, but again, it takes effort on their part.
Intense counselling will be in the works for those husbands who want to commit to their marriages and families.
He said those choosing to change will go through four stages:
1. Behaviour: "They don't act out with the same-sex desires, whether it was homo-erotic masturbation, porn or anything like that."
2. Intensity of the attraction decreases.
3. Frequency of the attraction lessens.
4. Perception: "They no longer see homosexuality as this daunting cloud over their heads," McNally said. "They begin to understand the issues, they begin to see how that issue took a place or a hold in their lives and they feel that they are in fact no longer victims."
He said couples may also want to get involved in some sort of support group with other couples who are dealing with similar issues.
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